Do you ever have moments so perfectly timed that they resonate into your soul in a way that can only be from God? For as much as I can’t comprehend the frustrations of the unknown, there is is small voice that cuts through just in the knick of time and reminds me that it is OK. It’s OK to question. It’s OK to not understand what was not meant to be understood in the first place.
This is mine.
Some weeks ago, a friend made a comment at our Church’s ladies night and I’ve played it over in my head. She said “why does it always seem easiest for us to talk about our problems after we’ve already come through them?” We aren’t usually inclined to spill our ugly while we are in the midst of it. There is still the uncertainty that we may not come out on the winning side. We want to share our victories, as nasty as the process might have been, we have a happy ending to tell. But what if we shared during the pain? What if we told others just how weak we feel in the moment? Could there be healing through vulnerability? I believe so.
I’ve been dealing with depression for a little while now. It took me months to say that word; even to my husband. Why does it feel wrong to admit that? The joy in simple things seemed to be harder and harder to reach until I finally found no pleasure in my days at all. I lost all gratitude. My walk with the Lord faded and I became bitter and… stubborn. I pushed my relationships away and cut myself off from social activities. Simple interactions became overwhelming and I began to loose myself. Sheer exhaustion filled my every hour and I found myself missing who I once was. Wondering if she was even still in there somewhere buried beneath my sadness. Sadness that I was well aware wasn’t warranted… but non-the-less so real that I was overcome to the point of tears daily.
I use passed tense because I have seen her. She is currently fighting to come out.
After admitting that I was not OK to my husband and best friend, I decided to seek help. The week I made that decision changed everything. Along with the encouraging conversations I had with these two, I received multiple emails from long distance friends who were just checking in. Multiple… as in more than one friend… in the same week. God intervening? One dear friend was just reaching out to simply tell me the things that she loves about me… she had no idea the power behind her words. She spoke of the girl that I miss and that I long to be again, but there was a specific line that hit me the hardest and brought me to the kind of tears that cleanse a wounded heart. The months of questions and fears became undeniably clear. She said,
” You go to God with an open fist, ready for the next challenge, wrestle with it, and then find a way to make it a love story with His name on it.”
I hit my knees in desperate prayer. Between our struggle with infertility and needing to feel joy again, this season may be the biggest wrestling match of my life. But it is just that, the wrestle. The love story hasn’t been written yet, but it is there… waiting to be discovered. I know that now. I have to let Faith take over and refresh the parts of me that have grown stagnant. The steady decline that had been occurring for months is now starting to feel a little less heavy and I have far more good days than bad. I am sharing this here, in my corner of the internet, in hopes that someone may read it and feel a little less alone. I truly believe in the healing powers of conversation. I’ve been blessed with incredible people in my life, who have been so patient with me.
Gratitude is slipping back in. :)