I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. Good tears, but from a broken, confused and exhausted heart. Good. Good… because this afternoon I had a real conversation with a dear friend who I believe God uses to breathe fresh life into me time and time again. I’ve wanted to write this post for some months now. I was told a while back that I need to share my story. That there is power in sharing. A freedom comes when we know and can pray with each other and cry with each other and share our lives. So here it is.
For years now my husband and I have been trying for a baby. Before I go any further, (for my family and close friends) I am about to let it all hang out here, so bear with me and remember I LOVE YOU! ;)
We were so naive when we first decided to try. I mean seriously, doesn’t everyone get pregnant immediately? I remember the first few months thinking “what the heck?! God told me I was going to be a mother. So why am I not?!” It wasn’t until a year later that I actually started to think that maybe there was something wrong here. If you know me, you know that I loathe going to the doctor. So I procrastinated. Finally a specialist was recommended to me by my friend who also has fertility issues. Up until this point I was not 100% comfortable seeing anyone, but it just felt right this time. Let me tell you, I adore my new doctor! I knew he was the right choice from the moment his assistant offered to pray with me before my first visit. After various tests between both me and Dan, I ended up having a laparoscopy where they found numerous adhesions, endometriosis, cysts, blockages, and some other issues not relating to fertility. All in all Doc felt confidant in what they discovered and how they were able to handle it. And so did I! I thought for sure this was all I needed to do to move forward in this family-growing business.
Almost a year and a half later I am sitting here writing this… babyless. Heart longing and aching. I have celebrated with almost every friend the joys of becoming a mom. I have seen my baby brother become a daddy to the most precious little boy. It seems like every person I have ever known is having babies and growing families and discussing when they will have their next baby. I’ve relinquished my claim as the first born having the first grand baby in my family and the first great grand baby. To turn a mom into a grandma (or Nana) is probably the next best thing to becoming a mom for the first time. I truly believed that I was the one who would give that to my parents. All of the “firsts” I believed would naturally be mine…will never be. I’ve had to learn to be joyful through the pain. I love these people deeply, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. The words that people say… they don’t realize how they cut. They don’t mean to. But I am still left here in my home when all is quiet, longing for those little messes, pattering of tiny feet, or fingerprints on the walls. Sure people feel bad for us, but why does it feel like the only people in this world who are truly sensitive to this kind of broken heart are other women or families who are also being broken in this specific way?
I’ve gone back and forth about writing this post for months now. Perhaps because this may very well just be the beginning of our journey. Of our story. I know plenty of families who have waited longer, or have taken more drastic measures. I’ve been asked why we haven’t done anything more yet. My answer may not make much sense to some, but it is because I am waiting to feel a peace about moving forward with artificial insemination. I don’t feel that it’s wrong, but I also feel that taking that step at this point is just me losing faith that God is in control of this. It is me saying to God “I do trust you, but I don’t like what you are doing right now so I’m going to go ahead and try it my way”. I know I know… if it’s not the right time God won’t let it happen. This is true, but this is just how God and I roll. I cannot move forward until He gives me the go ahead. But what most don’t understand about this decision is that it does not mean that we don’t desperately want to become parents. If I have learned anything over the last couple years, I’ve learned to trust God with every ounce of my being. His timing one hundred and ten percent of the time absolutely does not make sense. Ever. But it is alway always perfect.
So my sweet friend, who truly understands this sort of heart ache, reminded me this afternoon to seek out my heavenly father first. A father who is jealous for me. I need to want Him first. I need my heart to change in a crazy way. It’s like that song “we don’t want blessings, we just want you.” Wow. I mean wow. Have you ever thought about those lyrics? Of course we want His blessings! But to be in a place where I can actually say ” I don’t care about this stuff… jobs, relationships, babies, I really just want YOU.” That’s tough. That’s a place that only He can bring us to. And that’s my new prayer. To want more of Him.